I understand why J35, the killer whale, carried her dead calf. A member of an Orca pod in the Pacific Northwest, Tahlequah (J35 as she is known to researchers) gave birth to a calf who died a few hours later. For an unprecedented 17 days this summer, J35 carried out an exhausting ritual of pushing it repeatedly to the ocean’s surface. For 17 days, and over 1,000 miles she kept her baby from sinking to the ocean floor. Scientists explain that orcas and other mammals carry out these grieving rituals, but the length of time this mother continued to carry her dead calf was extraordinary.
I suspect many women could relate to the sadness of this mournful display.
The daily news updates of J35, continuing to carry her dead calf, called to mind my own reproductive failure. Four miscarriages. 25 years later, it saddens me to reflect on it, although thankfully the emotions are now not nearly as raw. I grieved for the babies I would not hold. I worried I would never have a baby to hold. Recurrent pregnancy loss is an invisible sorrow. The first loss, I sadly accepted, with miscarriage being a common event in up to 20 percent of all pregnancies. By the fourth loss, I thought I would never be able to have a successful pregnancy. I didn’t want to accept that.
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